VACUUM!

After reading this (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/aug/13/first-person-diabetes-bulimia) hearing different comments I'm extremely frustrated. 

I know that somewhere, there is probably a place, a treatment center for type one diabetics and eating disorders, but I can't find one when I search it. After reading this article, I am blown away. This girl is amazing. Also, 1 in 3 girls with type one have eating issues! Talk about a NEED. This needs to be addressed upon diagnosis. I am so passionate about this because I have experienced it. 

My treatment was more eating focused and therapy focused. Diabetes was not left out as I was seeing an endocrinologist and diabetes educator weekly, but what I needed at the time was someone who could do everything. Someone who understood what it was like to be diabetic and have these intense issues with food. Let's face it, it comes with the diagnosis. 

Personal life goal? I know mine. It is so clear, especially now. More to come on this later. 

If anyone reading this knows of a place that specializes is both, please contact me. 

Off to research the day away!

Amazing words by Mumford and Sons ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DPbJorCcNw

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

So true! What is your hill? 

Words of comfort for everyone struggling

After receiving many emails, I decided there is such a need for words of hope! As my mom used to tell me when I was in the depths of my illness, or depression, or even on a bad day, "hold on." Tomorrow is a new day. 


Even if you are not God-fearing, these quotes with inspire. Take them for what they are:


"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:31


“Enlightenment does not ask you to be perfect; it simply asks you to find perfection right where you stand.” Alan Cohen


“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” Buddha



Music video/song I love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXSkd8apbWM

The 'betes

Honestly, my sugars haven't been that great. I don't want any one reading this to think that everything is all about rainbows and unicorns ( I am going to start taking horseback riding lessons though, I digress). My blood sugars honestly suck right now, and I probably am due for another doctor visit.

The thing is though, sometimes my body needs, which I am super in-tune to now, and my needs for my diabetes are usually not the same. My disease wants protein and fiber and veggies. My body wants real food, food to fuel, and chocolate. This doesn't always work to my advantage, and I still feel like I am "playing around" to try and find the right mix of insulin to carb ratios, basals, workout basals, etc, and it's annoying to be honest. Why can't anyone figure this out? Yeah,  certain foods make me go higher than others, but I know that, I am a smart girl, I take the insulin for it, so why do I still float high all day and all night?! I adjust my basals every time I go to the doctor, and every time I adjust them to higher, I am going low all the time. There is no middle ground right now, or at least it seems that way. I was diagnosed in 2004, so thats... 7 years?! And I am still trying to figure this silly disease out? 

On a non-rant-side note, has anyone heard of or experienced "brittle" diabetes? I have read about this, and whatever that is, I feel like I have. The line is so thin that I walk, I feel like I am either falling one way or the other. Why can't I walk the line? Even for a day? I see other people's blogs and they get upset or frustrated if they rebound low or high after chocolate cake.. I mean, yes that sucks, but at least you know why, too much or too little insulin. Sometimes I'll wake up fine, and by the time I eat I am over 280. Usually these days, I wake up around 300. Yeah, I even wake up in the middle of the night, check sugars and bolus. 

I know a lot of people probably gasped at that, but that is just what it is right now and I am working to fix it. It's raw and it's real and it is what it is. I sometimes wake up really tired, I sometime wake up and have to postpone by run, or cancel it. Or I sometimes want to go back to sleep because I know my pump site is messed up or my infusion set got messed up or pulled out during the night, which seems to be the case a lot! (?)  I probably should make it more of a priority, but for so long my life was ruled by diabetes, now it is ruled by... nothing, and it's nice. Getting real and knowing the consequences is important though, and I definitely see that!  

Off to enjoy a lovely weekend of no work, walks outside with my dog, and some tennis! Oh, and maybe some nights out with friends! :) 

Have a good night!

To run or not to run...

When people say they "love exercise" don't you think they are full of shit?! (sorry to be blunt, but loving pain is not normal) I think what they mean is they love the endorphins, "fins" as I call them. And I guess I should follow up by saying that exercise shouldn't be painful. It should push your limits, but not be painful. I think I used to say I loved exercise because I did it so much and was always an athlete growing up, people would think I was nuts if I told them running 5 miles every morning sucked, but I did it anyway, right?!

At my worst, I would force myself to run x amount of miles everyday at the same time, clockwork, despite the fact that my body was tired, my back was in pain, my knees both had pretty severe tendonitis, I was not properly fueled, and I WAS EXHAUSTED. This dark place, I would never wish on my worst enemy. Not only was I not listening to my body cues, I was miserable, tired, and more depressed than ever. Not to mention sleep deprived, crabby, and not fun to be around. Oh yeah, and I didn't want to/didn't have the energy to see my friends. (ps: friends that stick around during this time in my life will never leave. And for that, you know who you are, I am forever grateful.)

I knew it went to far one day when I was home for the weekend and my dad found me on the treadmill in the basement with two knee braces on, hunched over in pain from my back, running.

I look back and see how powerful the mind can be. And how much it can take over you and convince you that you are right, and you have to make things happen, and you need to be in control at all times.

I am a testament to the fact that that is a horrible way to live. Is my body as "toned" as it once was when I was younger? Probably not, and I am okay with that, in fact, I am proud of it now. I can hold my head up and say that I treat my body with the respect it deserves as a work of God and a gift given to me.

If anyone out there is struggling with some inner voice telling them they "have" to do something, all I would say is question it. Always question your mind when your heart tells you something different.

Your body will still be the same tomorrow if you didn't get in your workout today, I promise. And, sorry, but your body will be the same tomorrow if you ran 10 miles today.

Living a healthy lifestyle is more than your physical body. Yes, as a diabetic, it is important to stay healthy, but it is also important to live your life. Never force your body to do something. Take a moment each morning to really listen to yourself or sit in quiet. If you love a good morning run, go for it, if you life to walk the dog (my fav.), go for it, if you want to go back to bed (and it's a weekend or you have no job, ha), go for it! This is sounding preachy, but once I realized that I could wake up and do what my body felt like, not what I felt like I had to do, I was free.

I am not one of those people who loves to go to the gym, but I do it sometimes because it helps my sugars and gets my day off on a healthy track, wakes me up and is sometimes invigorating. I do love tennis, and I do love yoga, and playing with my dog, and I actually do enjoy a run every... week or so, I found that this is what makes me happy and it took me years of writing and knowing myself and my physical ailments and making sure I was properly fueled. I can actually really enjoy things that were at some point torture. I can go months without exercise as well though, just long walks with my dog and some yoga and still be okay.

Ladies, love your bodies and yourselves. No one, and no doctor knows you better than you! The pressure on women these days to look a certain way is unbelievable. Kids as young as 6 are trying to tone their legs and butts with "shape up" shoes. It's ridiculous, and we are the generation to stop it. Operation beautiful is a great website that shares the message:

http://operationbeautiful.com/about-2/

Whether it takes a post it note or a daily check in, let those negative thoughts and images float over you. Be the best you, not the second best Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Aniston.

A quote to think about :

"There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling rain and remember it is enough to be taken care of by myself." - anonymous

the final testament of the Holy Bible

Ok, I feel like I need to preface this post by saying. I am a questioner at heart. I question and challenge everything. I always have. How do you know anything without asking questions? I was born wide-eyed and curious, I still live everyday like that today. Looking at life through the lens of gratefulness and beauty makes life a lot better. 

I have been reading a TON about life. I have been studying the vagus nerve and trying to figure out why some people live by emotions, some people live with their minds, and some suppress it all and live how someone told them they should live, or by some church mandated ideals/rules. Conclusions: No, of course not, but I do feel like I am learning to navigate relationships and friendships more! 

With all that said, I am a Christian, and I live with Christian ideals. Although, I am open to any discussion about any religion or idea. Some of my friends are Christian, most are not. I don't judge. Who made me God? (ha sorry had to)


There is a new book that is out as of this week called "The Final Testament of the Holy Bible" by James Frey. Now, James Frey is one of my favorite authors of all time. Yeah, sounds crazy. He was the one that "embellished" in his world famous book, "A Million Little Pieces." None-the-less, he is a great writer and "A Million Little Pieces" was the first book I read that really shook me. It was raw and gritty. It made me question things and think about life in a way I hadn't yet, and what more do you want from a book? He challenges people, pushes buttons, and it ultimately, a great writer who does what he wants. No filter. I met him actually when I was living in London a couple of years ago. He was at his book signing in jeans and a T-shirt, looking a little disheveled, and he was great to talk to. My friend Nicole and I were the last ones in line, so we got to have a conversation with him. He was very real, just like he is in his books. 


Now, his new book is totally insane. I bought it for $50! Yes, 50 bucks! And I haven't been able to put it down. It talks about the Messiah as if he were living in New York in our current day. It's a great book, but I won't give to much away. I will be posting quotes from the book to see what you think about it! Very interesting! Here is a video of James talking about it:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ziwpp9QmYGU

I have to pre-face this last controversial video saying that I DO NOT believe what he says in this. But it is a good example of the controversy he portrays. Seeing the Bible as a book of lessons is interesting though. I am not sure how I feel about this yet. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEWL8GjPQho


Until next time...